Bacon Lube - 'Applewood Smoked' Sounds like a Priapism-induced Sexual Mishap...

I love bacon --bacon on my bacon; bacon-wrapped bacon and potato cheddar wedges; bacon floss; hell, I think that Nitrous Oxide needs to come in several bacony flavors so that I can pass out to the smell of crackling pig-fat while I'm going under for my first of many Bypass surgeries. Nothing says irony like getting your ribs cracked open in order to replace your bacon-damaged heart valve with one from a pig whilst being serenaded by the dulcet tones of Hickory-Smoked bacon cooking on a grill.

Wow --smells like a rendering plant in here...

What I won't stand for though is someone who takes things too far --ironic, I know. When someone puts my love of bacon in mortal danger; danger so palpable, so close at hand that I can feel it breathing over my shoulder and poisoning the one love that I thought, in the immortal words of George W. Bush, was 'un-put-downable', then I must act. Or at least write a strongly worded blog about it and then go back to my Sunday of pajamas and screaming at the television.

What danger, you ask? Bacon-lube, that's what.

But Finnian, what's so bad about Bacon-lube?

I'll tell you what, commie --take off your beret, put down your little red book and stop murdering those children for a second and listen to my words, America hater.

Raise your hand if you love bacon. You too, pinko; I know you *heart* bacon in all of its glorious iterations --don't be afraid.



'Che, the Bay of Pigs is just a place name --there are no pigs there for your bacon." "But I love the bacon..."

Here's where it gets complicated --follow me, if you can.

Bacon Tastes good. Bacon SMELLS even better.

Sex is generally good (barring late night mistakes at the Airport Lounge). Sex though, generally, does not smell even better.

In fact, the smells associated with sex are a general road-map as to how your night is going and how much worse it may possibly get. Add in to this already volatile mix the confusing aroma of roasting pig-flesh and you can see where I'm going. The smell and taste of cured meat is something that, during sex, elicits in me a Pavlovian response somewhat akin to a Chinese Firedrill.


Like this, but with more cowbell and less chubbiness.

If I am in the midst of having inadvisable sex with someone after too many tall cans of Steinlager then I am going to need to rely on all of my beer-dulled senses to keep the night from swerving from 'just plain depressing' to the land of 'holy-hell, how in the monkey f#$k did I end up here??!?!'. One of those senses, sadly, is my sense of smell.

Far be it for me to poo-poo anything bacon-scented/flavored/otherwise, but this particular product seems to blur several lines that I would prefer stayed unblurrable. Bacon in the kitchen; uncomfortable crying, groping and sadness in the bedroom --and never the two shall meet.

Carl Sagan - Erudite enough to almost make me care...

This makes me want to re-read 'Broca's Brain' and 'Dragons in the Garden of Eden', maybe even 'Cosmos'. 'Want' then fades in to 'thought about' which loses it's v-hold and rapidly devolves in to 'Someone attacked my Vampire on Facebook?' How can erudite exposition and insightful narrative ever compete with the ability to coast through life passively, spoon fed pocket-book wisdom and bite-sized half-truths from cradle to grave? I have an idea about that; two words: Michael Fucking Bay.


I shit you not, this is what came up as the 14th image when I googled 'Michael Bay'


Michael Bay needs to remake 'Cosmos' right the fuck now. Can you imagine what that book would be like in movie form with Nicholas Cage and a sassy, wise-cracking asteroid for a sidekick?

Michael 'Movie-plot-line-rapist' Bay: "I just, you think, this needs, I mean, ya know? Bigger explosion-ness-iveness-osity. I mean, MAN, grrrrrrrrr, just, ya know?"

Nicholas Cage: "I can see where you want me to go with this. I'll kick it up a notch -Bangkok Dangerous-like. Guaranteed millions. Where's my bear costume?"

Asteroid (Played by Michael Clarke Duncan): "I... Are you two fucking high, or just retarded?"

Mike Bay: "Aaannn-n-nd... CUT! Print it!! I'll be in my airstream, bathing in the blood and tears of a 12 year-old blind Inuit."

Wow, that took a left turn somewhere. Probably sometime right after I slugged those two 5-Hour Energy shots in a row. I think I can hear the future now. No, wait, that's my heart screaming.


"All the sugar, Twice the AWESOME!!!"

Moyer to Bullpen - Entrance to "Thunderstruck" unlikely

Jamie Moyer, ever the epitome of the 'crafty lefty', is headed to the bullpen. Along with his bag of Shuttlecock pitches, metronome delivery and Speedy Autoglass commercials with blacked-out Mariners logos Moyer brings one more intangible bit of excitement to the Phillies bullpen: perhaps the most heralded chance at ironic intro music since Daryl Strawberry retired. While the Straw may have been able to bring the house down once or twice to "Cocaine" or "That Smell", he was a one-trick-pony, emphasis added on the 'trick'. Moyer, on the other hand, offers years and years worth of material when it comes to choosing the music that he will walk, not run, out of the bullpen to.

In honor of the slowest fastball to be featured in a bullpen since the advent of batting helmets and electricity I offer you my Top 10 list for Moyer's intro music:

10. 'Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay' by Otis Redding. Can you imagine? No one would stop laughing until well after Moyer sat down the side with consecutive 28kph strikeouts. He could take a solid 20 minutes to wander out to the mound, even pretending to get lost on his way, and batters still wouldn't be able to pull it together for long enough to even hold the bat up. Nothing lowers ones defences like Otis, MY MAN! I mean, can you imagine a boxer or UFC fighter entering the ring to that?

9. 'The Sound of Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel. As soon as "Hello darkness, my old friend.." came out of the PA system people would lose their shit. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets the crowd pumped like Paul Simon and that other guy with the Afro. You know, whatsisname from The Greatest American Hero.

Art Garfunkel: the John Oates of the 1960's

8. 'A Sailor Looks at Forty' by Jimmy Buffet. Nothing better than entering to music about feeling old that has an age reference 6 years younger than you in its title.

7. 'Forever Young' by Alphaville. While the nod to aging in the title is very appropriate the song itself would also produce an unexpected side-benefit: that of causing all batters born in the 70's to daydream about their junior prom. While they are standing in the batters box, reflecting on this and other neon-soaked memories they will be distracted for at least a pitch or two, completely oblivious to the turtle-paced baseball looping towards them and the strike zone.

6. 'Against the Wind' by Bob Seger. This is a dual-purpose song, giving a nod to Moyer's workmanlike struggles throughout his career as well as the literal effect that wind has on a ball when it is moving at the reduced speeds that he underhands it at.

5. 'Touch of Grey' by the Grateful Dead. Probably the only time that the Dead will be used to stir up the crowd outside of a medical marijuana rally or Bill Walton's celebrity golf tourney.

"Really; I was high the whole time I was in Boston... Portland? I was in Portland?"

4. 'Changes' by David Bowie. Any song about the disconnect between youth and the preceding generation is even more awesome when applied to Moyer. He is the quintessential old grandad on the mound today, as he probably will continue to be for the next odd decade and a half, spouting off such grandpa-isms as "in MY day" or "turn down that hippity-hop music!!!".

3. 'Songbird' by Kenny G. This would be simply awesome and its anesthetic quality would probably put everyone to sleep. Either that or it would start a riot on the level of Detroit's 'Disco Demolition' night. No one polarizes people like the saccharine king of the alto sax.

2. 'Don't Fear the Reaper' by Blue Oyster Cult. Because thunder stix lick my taint and Jamie Moyer shirts with 'More Cowbell' on the back would lead to their replacement. Plus, its a song about death and he's really, really old. Get it? It's like the fart joke of the ironic-intro-music genre, if there ever was one, which there is because I just started it.

1. 'Too Old to Rock 'N' Roll, Too Young to Die' by Jethro Tull. Why? Because flute-solos and songs about death are what baseball is all about. Where the fuck have you been?

A Portrait of Irony - Enough of this Monarchy Nonsense!!

It is hot today - hotter than hell. 'Hell', in my mind, is anywhere above 95F. While some of you may shout something to the effect of "that encompasses more than 30% of the Earth at any given moment" my witty riposte would go something like this: "Blow me - 95F is hot, fuckwit! Unless you're a goddamned Iguana, which you might be you lizard-brained reactionary reptile fuck, you should be sweating your sack off and complaining like hell. Fucktard."

The heat makes me irritable - could you tell? Today my irritability has combined, Voltron-like, with a vast chasm of unfilled time to push me deep in to the internets, uncovering nuggets of truth and justice amidst the piles of demotivational posters and lolcat posts. Not really - I just spent a few hours cascade-reading on Wikipedia and found something that made me giggle. Reference the above painting.

It is a painting of Napoleon Bonaparte by Ingres upon his ascendancy to the "throne" of France in 1805. Right after the conclusion of The French Revolution. The revolution that overthrew France's reigning dynasty and its Absolute Monarchy. I like over-using periods.

I know this is a re-tread, given that anyone who has read a history book other than "Where's Waldo Through History" is acquainted the French Revolution and its subsequent elevation of irony to new, fantastic levels. I know all of this yet I don't care - this painting is fantastic on so many levels even outside of its historical significance.

For starters, here is who Napoleon replaced:



Really? This is what France fought the revolution over? Was Louis the XVI not wearing ENOUGH polar-bear fur for them?

(Effecting fake, Pepe LePew accent)

"We are taiyered of 'zis Monarchy and all of itz, how you sa'y, meddling in ze people's affayers? We would laike for a'veryone to have a sa'y in ze governing of ze pe'ple... Or we could have 'zis Napoleon, how you sa'y, cow fucker-- rule us in ze exact same way. Yes, letz try 'zat."

Really, that's what happened, except in a much less jingoistic, French bashing sort of way. It's like the differences in governing between the Bourbons and Napoleon came down to a contest to see who could wear more gold-brocade and endangered species in their respective outfits.

I know, I know - these paintings are meant to elevate the respective leaders above the populace; they were the propaganda posters of their day, conveying an impossible and unattainable ideal.

But you would think that, after having so recently nearly torn the country apart, the people would be a tad more sensitive to their new leader effecting the same posture as the one that they so recently deposed...



...Or not.



Well, Obama's wearing a Blue tie... That's gotta count for something.



Crap.

Korean Parliament Drop-Kickery raises questions about U.S. Term Limits

This past Wednesday the South Korean Parliament again descended in to chaos with capital fucking 'C', once again blurring the lines between their legislative body and wrasslin'.


Snap in to a Slim-Jim, brother-r-r-r-r-r-r!!!!


While this may not be exactly how we would like our representatives to behave, it does raise some serious issues regarding our own legislative branch: could they win in a steel-cage match versus any other legislative assembly in the world? At this point, I think not. You know what this means: term-limits, fuckers!

Can you imagine if this happened in the US House or Senate? While there would hopefully be far less slap-boxing, there would DEFINITELY be far more Geritol-taking and complaining about prostate issues. Yeah, I said it - our public servants are old as fuck. In this line of reasoning 'fuck' = 35yrs cubed. One more reason for term-limits: can you imagine any of our senators gathering together and lifting a piano to block a door or commandeering a fire-hose to pry the opposition out of a barricaded chamber? I think not. The most that our reps could hope to achieve would be nudging a coffee table across the waiting area with their posse of Rascals.

Sadly, the annual Kennedy vs. Stevens rascal-off is no more.

Seriously, if we are ever going to be taken seriously as a country we need to start getting some youth and athleticism into our legislative bodies. If I were to create a video montage, interspersing metaphoric scenery from the Korean parliament with scenery from the US Senate/House of Representatives, it would go something like this:

Korea (to the opening chords of "Thunderstruck"):



United States (crickets chirping):


Korea (accompanied by Carmina Burana):

United States (to the tune of "Sittin on the dock of the bay")



My case: it is rested.

UPDATE: This could also go a long way in solving our budget deficit - can you imagine the pay-per-view revenues that would be created by a Korean Parliament style showdown over Universal Health care? People would be jumping off of the gallery, swinging from chandeliers - instead of filibusters there would be steel cage matches.


"Civil Unions!" "Marriage!" "Civil Unions!"

Mickey Rourke channels Captain Haddock - Hilarity & Obscure Comic-book References Ensue

There is nothing that I can write about Mickey Rourke that has not already been written - the man is a certified genius. If he were born in the 1920's he and Hemingway would have leg-fucked Europe back into the dark ages and then killed some Nazis.

Below is a much more elegant recounting of Mickey Rourke doing an interview about Ironman 2 and how he thought that he would liven the party up via injecting a Cockatoo into the mix. That last sentence sounded dirtier than I meant it to - then again, I still think like a 13 year-old boy and can't say the word 'nipple' without giggling for 20 minutes.

Courtesy of Filmdrunk.com (props for the future cease and desist order for shamelessly ripping you off):

"Mickey Rourke is the most hilariously candid person in Hollywood, the awesome uncle you never had. You can just see him bellying up to the bar and being like, “Make ya a deal, son, you buy us a drink and I’ll tell ya aaall about the trouble with the Orientals.” He recently talked Iron Man 2 and was awesome as usual:

Rourke, for his part, wanted to instill some lightness into the role. “I told Favreau, ‘I don’t want to just play him as a one-dimensional p—-,’” he says. “He let me have a cockatoo, who I talk to and get drunk with while I’m making my suit.” [EW via Cinematical]


I like to picture Mickey Rourke doing his lines, and then in the middle of a scene throwing down his script in disgust. “Aw hell, this crap’s too one dimensional! But I know how to fix it: Fetch me a fifth of bourbon, and a parrot!“ And they’ll do it. Because it’s Mickey Rourke. He can bring a tear to your eye, because you know you’ll be seeing not just a drunk Russian yelling at his parrot, but his humanity."

See? Wasn't reading that worth being an accessory after-the-fact? That website is certified gold, people! Now, I am off to play with my action-figure collection - It's been nigh-on a week since He-Man has had his way with the purple My Little Pony... I mean Barbie... No, wait. Fuck.

Holy Hell: DARPA is Building a Predator Harry Potter Hybrid

Water cools, wind blows, fire burns and, apparently, DARPA (the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) finances the creation of nightmarish technology that makes a battle-hardened cyber-ninja like myself want to spend the rest of his life barricaded indoors watching the history channel. Some people may view this as an overreaction, others (my girlfriend) might say things like "how is that different than how you behave now, except that you forgot to include 'while eating Con Queso dip with a spoon and avoiding responsibility'?" To them I say this: you'd better go ahead and buy the value pack of adult sized Depends because you are going to lose any serious control you had over your bowels when you see what DARPA has planned.

Apparently Xiang Zhang and several other physicists that needed to be beaten up more in high school have gotten their heads together and decided to extend a very nerdy middle-finger to the laws of physics.

Step one in our bat-shit flight into ripping a hole in time and an assured path to a dystopic alternate reality where Charlton Heston kisses an ape?

"The proposals included crafting what amounts to an array of billions of tiny relays; in essence, the relays would capture light and send it back out. Depending on the specific design of the array, the light would be bent, reflected, or skewed in different ways... ...to render objects invisible. "

Yeah, and I have an idea for an affordable Lamborghini powered by hopes and dreams. This is what happens when you get a bunch of PhD candidates together and remove the crushing taunts of their peers and the constant threat of wedgies: they get all uppity and try to show everyone that the fantasies of us mere mortals are nothing compared to the nonsense that they can dream up.

“The ability to fly and see through women’s clothes? Poppycock! I foresee a time when man will simply blink and he will not only travel from point a) to b) but he will have absorbed a life-time’s worth of porn and fast-food along the way. With no weight gain. And a tan!"

Or something along those lines.

Either way, these gang of Tri-Lams are attempting to take step one on the pathway to building some sort of Defense Department-funded Predator suit. I seem to recall an entire industry (read: half of Arnold Schwarzenegger's filmography) of movies being devoted to the government creating these types of weapons and then these same weapons falling in to the hands of 12 different cocaine cartels and a Jamaican Voodoo posse. Super. Generally, those movies also only involved some new kind of rocket launcher or a super-smart chimp, not some super suit that turned the wearer frickin' invisible. Are you ready for a turf-war involving a bunch of coked out invisible Colombians vs. a bunch of stoned, invisible Jamaicans...?
"Now featuring Invisibility... Funny hat sold separately."

Hold on. Wait a minute. Breathe deep. Maybe I'm just overreacting: while creating something that renders the wearer invisible would have plenty of beneficial applications (pantie-raids) the likelihood of any group having the techno-knowhow to make this stuff work if they managed to steal it would be close to nil. Deeeeeep breath. I guess this isn't so bad after all. Now how can I get rid of all of these adult diapers?

"It's a good thing I'm invisible; I look like Lewis Skolnic. Wait..."

But hold your horses: Zhang wasn't done yet. Apparently short-circuiting one fundamental law of physics wasn't enough for our intrepid overachiever:

"He [Zhang] wondered: Could he take a material that wasn’t intrinsically magnetic and magnetize it by altering its physical structure alone?"

So, what you're saying is that it isn't enough that you're creating an invisibility suit but now you want to give it the ability to magnetize heretofore un-magnetic materials? Great, now we've got invisible coked-up Colombians that can climb walls and screw up the reception on my T.V. Wonderful.

But I digress.

The answer to Zhang's above question regarding the ability to make things magnetic, frighteningly, turns out to be ‘yes’. I won’t bore you with the details – it involves plenty of chicken wire and more than a few 80’s montages before the final result is realized.

"Man, who knew you could do so much with a 1.5 MB hard-drive?"

Needless to say, captain dipshit here just figured out a way to magnetize materials that lack magnetic properties. Fantastic. I spend years building a non-magnetic stealth Vespa and you tell me that now that it’s worthless because some ass-hat found a loophole in fundamental physics? Well, at least I still have my claim to “1987 Cub-Scout Pinewood Derby district semi-finalist”.

So now what we have here is someone creating the technology to a) be invisible in any spectrum and b) climb walls and levitate anything. Great. Now all we have to do is make it able to see through walls and we've got an invisible Iron Man. Hopefully no one's working on that technology right now...

*sigh*

"Tiny objects are difficult to observe because they have almost no reflection to focus on. But [they] realized that when light hits a small object, the impacting radiation triggers a subtle effect that manifests itself as a pattern of local waves. The waves vanish without a trace almost immediately after being generated. [He] thought that if meta materials were built and positioned just right, they could pick up, preserve, and process these evanescent waves, converting them into a form that could be resolved into useful images."

I need to learn when to shut my mouth. Thanks Zhang, now you’re going to allow the hybrid invisible-magnetic killer robot that you just built to break me down on a molecular level in real time and find my weak points (note: it's Harry Potter books and chicken wings) Why don’t you just give him the password to my twitter account and tell him about my comic collection so he can embarrass me via the interweb while he invisibly guts me and makes inside jokes regarding my chromosome pairs. Ass.

“Fundamental physics sets no limits,” [Zhang] says.

Fantastic. Wonderful. (Insert 3rd synonym for "Amazing" here). The last time anyone sounded that cocky Kiefer Sutherland ended up getting his face rearranged by some mutant dead kid that he knocked out of a tree as a teenager in Flatliners. Let’s throw some more DARPA money at this – I’ve got shit to do and massive amounts of terrorizing nightmares that I would like to see made real.


"Well, at least we all went on to promising movie careers... Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there Billy Baldwin. Backdraft was awesome."

And how did he get funding for his reality warping pet-projects you ask? By jokingly referencing a children’s book and having some half-wit from the Defense Department take him seriously. I shit you not – you can’t make this crap up.

"[Zhang's] work on meta materials is notoriously complicated and serious, so it is ironic that the most famous implication of his research—the invisibility cloak—began as a joke. Heeding the suggestion of a colleague, he decided to have some fun with a lecture he was delivering at a 2004 DARPA meeting. He knew meta materials could theoretically hide objects from sight, so he made a Harry Potter reference—but not the one you might expect. He brought up Platform 9¾, the invisible departure point for Harry’s trip to Hogwarts, drawing some laughs from the crowd. “And then the DARPA woman started taking things seriously,” [Zhang] says. 'She offered me half a million dollars to work on it.' "

Really? Is this what it takes to get government funding for projects – making sly, chuckling references to children’s fiction? I see several problems with this, not the least of which is the simple fact that pretty much all PhD physicists and anyone else making proposals to DARPA are likely to be about as well socialized as your average comic store owner but with one small difference: the intelligence to make their nerd-dreams a reality, given some choice government funding and a lack of oversight that only the U.S. is capable of. Mark my words, 10 years from now when we’ve got a race of building-sized stripper robots ripped off of some Robotech cartoon towering over us you’ll wish you’d listened to me and taken a baseball bat to that future PhD candidate that blew the bell-curve in your physics 120 class.

"How Jimmy remained a virgin was a mystery to all..."

Had I known that it would be this easy to vacuum money out of dimwitted government bureaucrats I would’ve studied a lot harder in high school. Not in physics or math or anything like that though – in graphic design. That way I could forge me up some business cards and diplomas with fancy acronyms on them and avoid all of that book learnin’. I’d just sidle up to a lectern at some government symposium, babble about “sonic-karaoke” and “mutant rainbow diesel-powered Manga cheerleaders” and wait for the government grants to roll in. And I don't even have to make this crap work - that's the brilliant part about working with emerging technologies: 99% of them never pan out. I can spend all day in the desert test-firing anti-tank weapons at pyramids of televisions for "research" and not have to produce anything other than graphs that I draw in crayon.

"Soon afterward, Smith approached [Zhang] to tell him that he would like to build a cloak for real. “I told Smith he must be crazy, and then he did it,” [Zhang] says, chuckling."

Showoff. Well, shit, I guess I’ll just have to be content with being a sex-god malcontent shining a light on government misdeeds (read: sex-starved malcontent whining about being outworked by people more dedicated and smarter than him). Now where are my sweatpants and Thor helmet?

If this wasn't bad enough, these emerging technologies and meta materials are not just limited to the Nerd wet-dreams of invisibility, magnetism and X-Ray vision. Nay, Zhang believes that there are many other applications, including "universal fabricators, counter top food factories, intracellular longevity boosters, even telepathy implants". Thankfully though, the funding and overall time investment in this field is sorely lacking, so we shouldn't have to worry about these walking nightmare suits for quite some time.

Or not.

Apparently Zhang has created a laboratory specifically for the study and creation of the materials necessary for these technologies

Well fuuuuck me. George Jetson over here is going to make me a counter top telepathic food factory and a universal fabricator straight out of Star Trek. This all leads me to one paranoid-schizophrenic conclusion: the government is funding the overachiever from your local high school to build them a Predator robot that is infinitely scarier than the original – complete with telepathy, immortality, magnetic powers, the ability to create anything out of thin air and, in all likelihood, the ability to not be out thought by Austrian ex-pat future Governors of California using a snare lamer than the board game Mouse-Trap.

"Don't look behind you... Kill me!! Do it! Do it now!"

If Jesse Ventura with a mini gun and Billy ended up on the original version of the Predator’s trophy rack then the new and improved DARPA Predator is going to be nothing short of the 7th sign of the apocalypse. We.. are... screwed.

"there will still be one big limitation: Anyone inside the invisibility cloak would not be able to see out, for the same reason that an outside observer could not see in. “If I can’t see you, you can’t see me. It would be like being inside a silvery bubble,” explains [Zhang]. Would-be invisible men will have to figure out a way to cut out a visor, or perhaps decloak before accidentally walking into a wall."

So what you’re saying is, now that you’ve spent all of this taxpayer money, what we have left over is a very large, telepathic, semi-magnetic, immortal, invisible killing machine that is, what, blind? Awesome. When you guys are done dry-docking this thing next to the Spruce Goose, how about you give me a call? I would like to talk to you about the military applications for my above mentioned mutant rainbow diesel-powered Manga cheerleaders. I’m sure I can get you an unworkable prototype by this summer if we throw enough money at it – I’ve got tons of spare time and a nigh inexhaustible supply of duct-tape and toilet paper tubes for the scale model, plus I need something better to do with my time than watching more reruns of Ax-Men on cable.

Sperm Powered Car or Disturbing Date Metaphor?

I have a lot of spare time. Well, not exactly spare time; I just tend to focus on the opposite of whatever it is that my job entails at that exact moment. If my job, say, involves earning an income or showing some sort of fiscal responsibility then you can be damned sure that, 18 hours a day, I can be found a) somewhere that serves chicken wings, b)purchasing leg-warmers and novelty t-shirts in bulk on the internet or c)reading science articles from magazines that are 6 months old while sitting on the toilet in a $5.99 teriyaki joint in the U-district. Seriously, if someone came up to me and offered me the job of Grand wizard of strip club regulation, fried foods and the internets I would then 1)accept my dream job with it's associated $200million annual salary and then 2)ignore it and get fired for trying to earn my MBA online while working. I'm good like that.


"Those red marks aren't from the tattoos being recent, I just got drunk and tried to eat them off of her back."

Last week it was during one of my aforementioned toilet reading sprees that I made a frightening discovery that frightened me in its frightening frightenency (fuck you, spellcheck!) It seems that some erstwhile genius/70's horror film adherent has decided that the best way to push forward the field of nanotechnology is to make them sperm-powered. I'll let that sink in for a bit while you consult this picture of another wonder of hybrid technology thought up by someone that both never read any Philip K. Dick and only submits doctoral theses ideas that he comes up with while playing mad-libs with a bunch of stoned 14 year-olds.

"so cute, even as it flies away with your face"

"Dude, you can't keep choosing 'toke' as a verb."

"Who are you?"

"I'm your doctoral adviser."

"You said 'oral'."

And so forth...

Needless to say, this jackass is trying to bring about the apocalypse. We all know what happens when you try to tamper with mother nature, especially when trying to "solve a problem" with using something from nature that we all know creates more problems than it solves. Just ask these two.

"No, you tell us right now who's the prettiest! We'll wait..."

Go ahead, ask them. I'm sure after they get done raping your car and whipping each other with baby giraffes they'll come right out and tell you that they would rather their father never gotten that lobster lady in the carnival all drunk and sexyfied.

While Mr. Alex Travis' intent is to create a power system for nanobots that would allow them to travel throughout the body's circulatory system for extended periods of time to make repairs, remove arterial blockages, we can all see where this is going to end up: flocks of winged sperm blotting out the sun and turning people into zombies. Have you ever seen the movie Piranha?


It's like that, except for with sperm, zombies and better one-liners. If this ass-clown ever succeeds, be prepared: get your 70's shorts on, locate Roy Scheider and buy an antiquated fishing boat with which to hunt the Flesh Eating Sperm Queen from.

And remember, in Piranha 2 they had wings.