Friday, February 6, 2009

Sperm Powered Car or Disturbing Date Metaphor?

I have a lot of spare time. Well, not exactly spare time; I just tend to focus on the opposite of whatever it is that my job entails at that exact moment. If my job, say, involves earning an income or showing some sort of fiscal responsibility then you can be damned sure that, 18 hours a day, I can be found a) somewhere that serves chicken wings, b)purchasing leg-warmers and novelty t-shirts in bulk on the internet or c)reading science articles from magazines that are 6 months old while sitting on the toilet in a $5.99 teriyaki joint in the U-district. Seriously, if someone came up to me and offered me the job of Grand wizard of strip club regulation, fried foods and the internets I would then 1)accept my dream job with it's associated $200million annual salary and then 2)ignore it and get fired for trying to earn my MBA online while working. I'm good like that.

"Those red marks aren't from the tattoos being recent, I just got drunk and tried to eat them off of her back."

Last week it was during one of my aforementioned toilet reading sprees that I made a frightening discovery that frightened me in its frightening frightenency (fuck you, spellcheck!) It seems that some erstwhile genius/70's horror film adherent has decided that the best way to push forward the field of nanotechnology is to make them sperm-powered. I'll let that sink in for a bit while you consult this picture of another wonder of hybrid technology thought up by someone that both never read any Philip K. Dick and only submits doctoral theses ideas that he comes up with while playing mad-libs with a bunch of stoned 14 year-olds.

"so cute, even as it flies away with your face"

"Dude, you can't keep choosing 'toke' as a verb."

"Who are you?"

"I'm your doctoral adviser."

"You said 'oral'."

And so forth...

Needless to say, this jackass is trying to bring about the apocalypse. We all know what happens when you try to tamper with mother nature, especially when trying to "solve a problem" with using something from nature that we all know creates more problems than it solves. Just ask these two.

"No, you tell us right now who's the prettiest! We'll wait..."

Go ahead, ask them. I'm sure after they get done raping your car and whipping each other with baby giraffes they'll come right out and tell you that they would rather their father never gotten that lobster lady in the carnival all drunk and sexyfied.

While Mr. Alex Travis' intent is to create a power system for nanobots that would allow them to travel throughout the body's circulatory system for extended periods of time to make repairs, remove arterial blockages, we can all see where this is going to end up: flocks of winged sperm blotting out the sun and turning people into zombies. Have you ever seen the movie Piranha?

It's like that, except for with sperm, zombies and better one-liners. If this ass-clown ever succeeds, be prepared: get your 70's shorts on, locate Roy Scheider and buy an antiquated fishing boat with which to hunt the Flesh Eating Sperm Queen from.

And remember, in Piranha 2 they had wings.

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