A Portrait of Irony - Enough of this Monarchy Nonsense!!

It is hot today - hotter than hell. 'Hell', in my mind, is anywhere above 95F. While some of you may shout something to the effect of "that encompasses more than 30% of the Earth at any given moment" my witty riposte would go something like this: "Blow me - 95F is hot, fuckwit! Unless you're a goddamned Iguana, which you might be you lizard-brained reactionary reptile fuck, you should be sweating your sack off and complaining like hell. Fucktard."

The heat makes me irritable - could you tell? Today my irritability has combined, Voltron-like, with a vast chasm of unfilled time to push me deep in to the internets, uncovering nuggets of truth and justice amidst the piles of demotivational posters and lolcat posts. Not really - I just spent a few hours cascade-reading on Wikipedia and found something that made me giggle. Reference the above painting.

It is a painting of Napoleon Bonaparte by Ingres upon his ascendancy to the "throne" of France in 1805. Right after the conclusion of The French Revolution. The revolution that overthrew France's reigning dynasty and its Absolute Monarchy. I like over-using periods.

I know this is a re-tread, given that anyone who has read a history book other than "Where's Waldo Through History" is acquainted the French Revolution and its subsequent elevation of irony to new, fantastic levels. I know all of this yet I don't care - this painting is fantastic on so many levels even outside of its historical significance.

For starters, here is who Napoleon replaced:



Really? This is what France fought the revolution over? Was Louis the XVI not wearing ENOUGH polar-bear fur for them?

(Effecting fake, Pepe LePew accent)

"We are taiyered of 'zis Monarchy and all of itz, how you sa'y, meddling in ze people's affayers? We would laike for a'veryone to have a sa'y in ze governing of ze pe'ple... Or we could have 'zis Napoleon, how you sa'y, cow fucker-- rule us in ze exact same way. Yes, letz try 'zat."

Really, that's what happened, except in a much less jingoistic, French bashing sort of way. It's like the differences in governing between the Bourbons and Napoleon came down to a contest to see who could wear more gold-brocade and endangered species in their respective outfits.

I know, I know - these paintings are meant to elevate the respective leaders above the populace; they were the propaganda posters of their day, conveying an impossible and unattainable ideal.

But you would think that, after having so recently nearly torn the country apart, the people would be a tad more sensitive to their new leader effecting the same posture as the one that they so recently deposed...



...Or not.



Well, Obama's wearing a Blue tie... That's gotta count for something.



Crap.

Korean Parliament Drop-Kickery raises questions about U.S. Term Limits

This past Wednesday the South Korean Parliament again descended in to chaos with capital fucking 'C', once again blurring the lines between their legislative body and wrasslin'.


Snap in to a Slim-Jim, brother-r-r-r-r-r-r!!!!


While this may not be exactly how we would like our representatives to behave, it does raise some serious issues regarding our own legislative branch: could they win in a steel-cage match versus any other legislative assembly in the world? At this point, I think not. You know what this means: term-limits, fuckers!

Can you imagine if this happened in the US House or Senate? While there would hopefully be far less slap-boxing, there would DEFINITELY be far more Geritol-taking and complaining about prostate issues. Yeah, I said it - our public servants are old as fuck. In this line of reasoning 'fuck' = 35yrs cubed. One more reason for term-limits: can you imagine any of our senators gathering together and lifting a piano to block a door or commandeering a fire-hose to pry the opposition out of a barricaded chamber? I think not. The most that our reps could hope to achieve would be nudging a coffee table across the waiting area with their posse of Rascals.

Sadly, the annual Kennedy vs. Stevens rascal-off is no more.

Seriously, if we are ever going to be taken seriously as a country we need to start getting some youth and athleticism into our legislative bodies. If I were to create a video montage, interspersing metaphoric scenery from the Korean parliament with scenery from the US Senate/House of Representatives, it would go something like this:

Korea (to the opening chords of "Thunderstruck"):



United States (crickets chirping):


Korea (accompanied by Carmina Burana):

United States (to the tune of "Sittin on the dock of the bay")



My case: it is rested.

UPDATE: This could also go a long way in solving our budget deficit - can you imagine the pay-per-view revenues that would be created by a Korean Parliament style showdown over Universal Health care? People would be jumping off of the gallery, swinging from chandeliers - instead of filibusters there would be steel cage matches.


"Civil Unions!" "Marriage!" "Civil Unions!"

Mickey Rourke channels Captain Haddock - Hilarity & Obscure Comic-book References Ensue

There is nothing that I can write about Mickey Rourke that has not already been written - the man is a certified genius. If he were born in the 1920's he and Hemingway would have leg-fucked Europe back into the dark ages and then killed some Nazis.

Below is a much more elegant recounting of Mickey Rourke doing an interview about Ironman 2 and how he thought that he would liven the party up via injecting a Cockatoo into the mix. That last sentence sounded dirtier than I meant it to - then again, I still think like a 13 year-old boy and can't say the word 'nipple' without giggling for 20 minutes.

Courtesy of Filmdrunk.com (props for the future cease and desist order for shamelessly ripping you off):

"Mickey Rourke is the most hilariously candid person in Hollywood, the awesome uncle you never had. You can just see him bellying up to the bar and being like, “Make ya a deal, son, you buy us a drink and I’ll tell ya aaall about the trouble with the Orientals.” He recently talked Iron Man 2 and was awesome as usual:

Rourke, for his part, wanted to instill some lightness into the role. “I told Favreau, ‘I don’t want to just play him as a one-dimensional p—-,’” he says. “He let me have a cockatoo, who I talk to and get drunk with while I’m making my suit.” [EW via Cinematical]


I like to picture Mickey Rourke doing his lines, and then in the middle of a scene throwing down his script in disgust. “Aw hell, this crap’s too one dimensional! But I know how to fix it: Fetch me a fifth of bourbon, and a parrot!“ And they’ll do it. Because it’s Mickey Rourke. He can bring a tear to your eye, because you know you’ll be seeing not just a drunk Russian yelling at his parrot, but his humanity."

See? Wasn't reading that worth being an accessory after-the-fact? That website is certified gold, people! Now, I am off to play with my action-figure collection - It's been nigh-on a week since He-Man has had his way with the purple My Little Pony... I mean Barbie... No, wait. Fuck.