Monday, January 11, 2010

Billy Mays: Death of a Pitchman; or 'Trust the guy with a heart condition who did blow'


'As Seen on TV --Billy re-enacting 'Scarface', now with more blow.'

Early last week I felt somewhat put-upon when confronted with cooking dinner for myself --I had just spent the prior week moving from one side of Seattle to the other after doing the same thing in the opposite direction 3 months before. While this was a move up and infinitely better for me in the long-run, it has played havoc with my ability to cook a meal that didn't include the words 'instant', 'ramen' or misspelled versions of 'Cheese'. Instead of rummaging through my recently organized cupboards, chock full of an alphabet-soup of things unlikely to be found on any diet marketed as 'Healthy' or even 'Won't Turn your Bloodwork into Chemical-Gumbo', I decided to eat out. Not that this really changed the menu to something more healthy, it just allowed me to feel less directly responsible by adding a middleman, in this case 'Hamburger Harry's'.

This particular sports-bar in Ballard has opened the floodgates and possibly torn a hole into the 8th Dimension in regards to its ability to stuff foods into other foods. The one burger in particular that may be directly responsible for shit like this happening again:


"This picture ignores the 18th law of thermodynamics: 'The Fly, The Kurgen and Robocop cannot be in L.A. at one time'

is this:


The Jalapeno-popper burger --they stuff an already stuffed food into another piece of food!! But I digress...

After preparing my body to accept this caloric bounty (I ran across the street, thus elevating my heart-rate and, in my mind, justifying a 4200 calorie meal) I set to eating. It was while searching for a distraction from what I was putting into my body that my attention was drawn towards a commercial on one of the 482 flatscreen tv's flashing bright colors and lights at me. I'm simple like that -- 'What? Loud noises and flashy lights? This must be important!'

...And it was important. Why? Because Billy fucking Mays said so.

"What is the rhetorical definition for 'beating a dead horse'? This blog."

Not 6 months after dying from a cocktail of Heart Disease mixed with Co-Fucking-caine, the ghost of Billy is back hocking hands-free-super-cleany-sham-wowy crap on t.v.

Now I'm not one to dogpile on the recently deceased (unless they really, really deserve it, or I'm feeling uppity) but does this strike anyone else as odd? Billy Mays died just only six months ago (June 8th, 2009) and it already seems that everyone has forgotten just how exactly that came about. Apparently the public at large has the same ability to ignore the unpleasant realities of their heroes as I have in regarding my own health and the dipshittery that I inflict on it --I'm drawing strained parallels in order to justify my Junkfood/Buckaroo Banzai tangent. Shut your mouth.

Back to the task at hand: anyone else feel weird about trusting a guy to recommend products to them who blew his weakened heart apart by choosing cocaine over, say, Aspirin?

Maybe his longtime friend and the owner of 'As Seen on TV' can explain their choice to continue using Cokey-the-Bear to peddle their wares:

'Longtime friend and colleague AJ Khubani, founder and CEO of the "As Seen on TV" product company Telebrands, said Mays never exhibited any signs of drug use and was always prepared for his many commercial shoots. "I'm just shocked," Khubani said. "He was the model of a responsible citizen."'
...Or maybe not.
Oh-kay, so they're going to play the age-old modest praise/encomium gambit. This figure of speech, also known as a 'River Phoenix Eulogy', is implemented in the hopes that by meeting certain minimal character requirements (in this case, appearing to not be doing Cocaine) we will forget that the person actually was doing Cocaine. Well two can play at this game, 'As Seen on TV'.
...Wait, that sounds like a lot of work. How about I just cut and paste amusing photos in with ironic captions down below.



Now, with fewer calories burned per unit of output.


"WARNING: Irony Kills"

....Ahhh screw it --I'm tired. Must be all that not-doing-cocaine.

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