Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Super Karate Monkey Death Car, Pt. 2

I know these videos are a few years old, but... damn, a fish-headed hero from the planet soy? It makes my brain hurt and my eyes beg for a Pokemon-induced seizure.
I might be a tad jaded, but I think that I may have to pull up stakes and move to the pearl of the orient. If this is what passes for a major advertising campaign over there then I am a couple hundred bucks shy of making a fortune.

How to make myself into a Japanese advertising powerhouse:

Let me see, what would I need in order to compete from the years of research and competitive advantage that their ad-agency possesses? Well, my limited Internet research (i.e. googling Kikkoman and giving up after searching two pages) tells me that one of the companies responsible for Kikkoman's stranglehold on the soy-sauce market is Scholz & Friends, a Berlin based company. Now, the piece of advertising that Scholz was responsible was this:

A diarrhetic version of Hosukai's wave painting? Mmmm let me go and douse my sushi with some of that japanese scroll painted poo-water which has infiltrated my consciousness via a benign yet brilliant piece of advertising. Though they have been successful in changing my associations of soy sauce from pan-asian condiment to Tsunami from the bowels, it does not necessarily mean that they are the company that developed the retina-warping video extravaganza that I posted above. While that is true, I am lazy and therefore I am going to take a few liberties and shortcuts and assume that they were. Rome may not have been built in a day but I have bills to pay and I need to wrap this up.

Using my ironclad grasp of logic I will now inflict/apply the same line of reasoning on this problem that got me through Garfield High School in 6 short years. I remember one of my teachers discussing logic, but I was too busy napping and growing my hair long to give him my full attention.

Here's what I remember:

a) All fish swim
b) Turtles swim
therefore: all turtles are fish.

Maybe my teacher said that was a logical fallacy. Fallacy means "super-strong", right? Sounds good to me! Lets see if this holds true in other cases:

a) All neo-nazis have bald heads
b) people with Alopecia have bald heads
therefore: all people with Alopecia are neo-nazis. Wow... Who knew? Well, there's no escaping that logical premise; facts are facts, and I rechecked the logic on that one at least 1.5 times. Ironclad!

It follow then that: a)Scholz is responsible for a piece of advertising for Kikkoman, and b) the above "video" is a piece of advertising for Kikkoman, therefore Scholz is responsible for the above advertising. Check AND mate! Take that, Socrates!

So my competition for the hearts and minds of Japan's soy-based commodities consumers is Scholz & Friends, eh? I shall prepare myself. Lets look up their website. Hmmmmm, they have a managing director from the London School of Economics? Well then, so shall I. Except replace "London, School & Economics" with "Tallahassee Technical College dropout". T-Pain has street knowledge and knows how to use a synthesizer. That trumps Econometrics classes and understanding elasticity any day of the week my friends. Sing it, T-Pain!

We'll make up ground in our Creative Director anyways. Let me see now, who does Scholz have heading up their creative team? It appears that they have a guy named Matthias Spaetgens who looks like this:

No matter that he has won several advertising awards, including something called the "Lion of Cannes". I have no idea what that is but I'm going to assume that it is unimportant. If I am going to win this battle then I am going to focus on finding someone who is similar in appearance yet projects a different, edgier image. Maybe not so stuffy either (read: educated). Who can I use? Well, lets see. Who is going to take my company to the stratospheric heights that the "Fight, Kikkoman!" video attained and how shall I find him? ...Google "Matthias", that should do it.

...Got him!

His name is Matthias (spelled Mattias, but who can be choosy?) and he looks like a creative bad ass!!!! Watch out Scholz & Friends, your ass is mine!!!! Two cases of beer and 10 hours locked in a studio and we're going to have advertising gold, people.

Now, we need a prime advertising venue or event to make the biggest splash possible for our advertising dollar. Taking my lead from Scholz, lets see what events they've been involved with recently:

"10/24/2008, Berlin - he new seasonal campaign from Scholz & Friends Berlin for Saturn, the electronic goods retailer... An action-packed 60-second TV and cinema commercial will dramatise Saturn’s technical expertise, kicking off the season in highly vocal style with the line “Die stärkste Technik aller Zeiten! Gnadenlos günstig!” (“The strongest technology of all time! Pitilessly low prices!”). Conceived by Scholz & Friends Berlin, the commercial tells the history of the evolution of technology, using as an analogy the merciless Darwinian selection found in the animal kingdom."

Wow, "The strongest technology of all time! Pitilessly low prices!" Is it just me or can you imagine the video playing behind this using Rammstein as its soundtrack and the narration read in an unemotional monotone by Peter Stormare, the nihilist from The Big Lebowski?

The fact that this is the ad campaign that these jackasses actually came up with when I did my pseudo-background check is astounding. 52 graduate degrees and a bondage-room full of Golden Celtic Walrus awards and this is what you come up with? I might as well start looking at villas on Lake Cuomo now.

But what shall I call my soon-to-be-conglomerate? ....Hmmmmm. Wait, this might actually take some time. I'll get back to you when I've got something better than what I came up with via my first stab at creativity: combining my name from the internet Wu-Name generator with my name from the Outlaw Biker name generator and slapping "LLC" on the end of it. I just don't think Ol' Mucky Terrahawk & Cowboy of the Death-Cats LLC is going to make us cash-positive...

But I'm still trademarking it.



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