Jamie Moyer, ever the epitome of the 'crafty lefty', is headed to the bullpen. Along with his bag of Shuttlecock pitches, metronome delivery and Speedy Autoglass commercials with blacked-out Mariners logos Moyer brings one more intangible bit of excitement to the Phillies bullpen: perhaps the most heralded chance at ironic intro music since Daryl Strawberry retired. While the Straw may have been able to bring the house down once or twice to "Cocaine" or "That Smell", he was a one-trick-pony, emphasis added on the 'trick'. Moyer, on the other hand, offers years and years worth of material when it comes to choosing the music that he will walk, not run, out of the bullpen to.
In honor of the slowest fastball to be featured in a bullpen since the advent of batting helmets and electricity I offer you my Top 10 list for Moyer's intro music:
10. 'Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay' by Otis Redding. Can you imagine? No one would stop laughing until well after Moyer sat down the side with consecutive 28kph strikeouts. He could take a solid 20 minutes to wander out to the mound, even pretending to get lost on his way, and batters still wouldn't be able to pull it together for long enough to even hold the bat up. Nothing lowers ones defences like Otis, MY MAN! I mean, can you imagine a boxer or UFC fighter entering the ring to that?
9. 'The Sound of Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel. As soon as "Hello darkness, my old friend.." came out of the PA system people would lose their shit. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets the crowd pumped like Paul Simon and that other guy with the Afro. You know, whatsisname from The Greatest American Hero.
Art Garfunkel: the John Oates of the 1960's
8. 'A Sailor Looks at Forty' by Jimmy Buffet. Nothing better than entering to music about feeling old that has an age reference 6 years younger than you in its title.
7. 'Forever Young' by Alphaville. While the nod to aging in the title is very appropriate the song itself would also produce an unexpected side-benefit: that of causing all batters born in the 70's to daydream about their junior prom. While they are standing in the batters box, reflecting on this and other neon-soaked memories they will be distracted for at least a pitch or two, completely oblivious to the turtle-paced baseball looping towards them and the strike zone.
6. 'Against the Wind' by Bob Seger. This is a dual-purpose song, giving a nod to Moyer's workmanlike struggles throughout his career as well as the literal effect that wind has on a ball when it is moving at the reduced speeds that he underhands it at.
5. 'Touch of Grey' by the Grateful Dead. Probably the only time that the Dead will be used to stir up the crowd outside of a medical marijuana rally or Bill Walton's celebrity golf tourney.
"Really; I was high the whole time I was in Boston... Portland? I was in Portland?"
4. 'Changes' by David Bowie. Any song about the disconnect between youth and the preceding generation is even more awesome when applied to Moyer. He is the quintessential old grandad on the mound today, as he probably will continue to be for the next odd decade and a half, spouting off such grandpa-isms as "in MY day" or "turn down that hippity-hop music!!!".
3. 'Songbird' by Kenny G. This would be simply awesome and its anesthetic quality would probably put everyone to sleep. Either that or it would start a riot on the level of Detroit's 'Disco Demolition' night. No one polarizes people like the saccharine king of the alto sax.
2. 'Don't Fear the Reaper' by Blue Oyster Cult. Because thunder stix lick my taint and Jamie Moyer shirts with 'More Cowbell' on the back would lead to their replacement. Plus, its a song about death and he's really, really old. Get it? It's like the fart joke of the ironic-intro-music genre, if there ever was one, which there is because I just started it.
1. 'Too Old to Rock 'N' Roll, Too Young to Die' by Jethro Tull. Why? Because flute-solos and songs about death are what baseball is all about. Where the fuck have you been?
